If I Can't Love Her
by bonesmad
Summary: A tale as old as time, he's left with the sad realisation that no pain could be deeper if she can't love him


And in my twisted face  
there's not the slightest trace  
Of anything that even hints of kindness

He opened his eyes and looked up at the now all too familiar ceiling. He'd obviously fallen asleep here again. Nothing new. He hated the long term hotel where his everyday stuff was kept, and he couldn't bare returning to the house anymore than completely necessary. This was the only bright place left for his mind. His worn in comfortable leather couch.

And from my tortured shape  
No comfort, no escape  
I see, but deep within is utter blindness

He jumped up hitting his head off the window. Rubbing it slowly he blinked away the image seared in his brain, that haunted his dreams. The red face that taunted him every time he slept. There was no release from it. Even all these years later.

Hopeless  
As my dream dies  
As the time flies  
Love a lost illusion

The first time he'd held Charlotte in his arms he'd imagined the day he'd walk her down the aisle, to the magical man who would somehow be some way almost near good enough for his angel. Now that was a dream that would never come true. Ten years on and thoughts like that still sprung to mind every now and again. He was sure he'd never smile like he used to ever again.

Helpless  
Unforgiven  
Cold and driven  
To this sad conclusion

"I will get him." he said putting his hand on the cold stone, he placed his flowers down and kissed it gently. There was no other option, no matter how wrong it all seemed, no matter how many people pleaded with him to think again. There was no other end to this story one of them was going to die.

" There's no upside to taking the law into your own hands. Revenge truly doesn't work." She said standing up from the couch and walking away from him, it didn't even give him pause,

No beauty could move me  
No goodness improve me  
No power on earth, if I can't love her

"Bite me!" she snapped rolling her eyes. His heart lightened as she smiled at him, a laugh rising in her throat despite the anger she'd tried to convey. She was beautiful when she smiled, he thought absentmindedly. One of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen. Dark and light at the same time. Sharp and angular yet soft and delicate. He turned to her again and opened his mouth to speak but stopped as she brushed a fallen curl behind her ear. Once more his wife flashed before his eyes and he went back upstairs to shift through his files once more.

No passion could reach me  
No lesson could teach me  
How I could have loved her and made her love me too

"I'll do worse if you don't stop mouthing off to people who are trying to help you." she said. "there's people who need you Jane but if you're going to be this foolish and do it anyway there's nothing I can say." She frowned for a split second than walked away.

It was hard to admit but the first time he'd seen her he'd had tainted thoughts. Not the first time he'd met her. No the first time he saw her, he never forgot a face. He was in a café looking out at the world with Angela on one side of him and Charlotte across from him with a chocolate covered face. She was walking past the window in a black leather jacket and very fitted jeans. He'd just come off the phone from persuading another client into a consultation, and happened to look out the window. She wasn't the type of girl that normally caught his eye, she obviously worked for a living and had more brains than he normally cared for in his flirtations. He'd glanced at his wife for a second then back at the striking brunette that had stopped right outside and was looking at a file of some sorts. A spot of flirting never harmed anyone. She turned looking around and he just managed to catch her eye. He threw her the standard smile, teeth gleaming and she rolled her eyes at him. That turned his smiled genuine and he knew he had to meet this woman. He toyed with going out to her when Angela asked him something. She was the reason there was never anything more than flirting, he couldn't go after the girl with the green eyes.

If I can't love her, then who?

He sat waiting for her, trying to ignore the busty blonde smiling at him over the rim of her cocktail glass.

"Morning!" she said putting her jacket down on the back of her chair.

"Ah Teresa!" he stood up and pulled out said chair for her. He watched as the blonde looked between them and noticed as her eyes glanced down towards his ring finger, sighing as she saw the band. He let a half smile grace his face, she wasn't the first person to presume he and Lisbon were an item, and she wouldn't be the last. Maybe at a different time, in a different life she would have been perfect for him, he would have fallen for her. But here and now, no.

Long ago I should have seen  
All the things I could have been  
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward

He watched as Pike took her hand and led her to the elevator. Ten years and he'd never thought this would happen. He never thought he'd lose her. Yet here it was happening slowly. He'd been so foolish for over a decade now. Presuming she'd always just be there waiting for him. Presuming that she'd always stay for him. It never crossed his mind that she would go on with her life. That she wouldn't move while he picked up his pieces.

No pain could be deeper  
No life could be cheaper  
No point anymore, if I can't love her

"I'm happy if you're happy!" he said his heart beginning to break once more. How many times would he have to go through this pain?

He lay back on the couch and closed his eyes. This was life for him and it always would be. There was nothing left anymore.

No spirit could win me  
No hope left within me  
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free

It had taken so long to just admit it. He'd known for a long time now that he thought that she would be his salvation. His calm after the storm, perhaps even his second chance. He had just realised it too late. He just hadn't told her.

But it's not to be  
If I can't love her  
Let the world be done with me.

He stood in the centre of the bustling terminal staring at the board. That was her flight. That was her gate. This was his one and only chance to find out if he had something to live for.


End file.
